A lone ranger
Arrrr! Gimme a cuddle!
This morning at Physical Therapy I asked the woman at the front desk if she had a good Christmas. “Yeah, sat around watching Christmas movies”. She didn’t say it explicitly, but I got the feeling it was just her, alone. I could be wrong. Maybe she just felt alone. It made me sad. She’s young. Has good energy. She’s super cool, really. I feel let down when she’s not the one doing the greetings when I walk in. How could she be alone? I responded with a comment about how I hadn’t done much either… but then I blew it by mentioning I just got back from Hawaii. Hard to relate to someone that’s just back from Hawaii. Ah well. Yeah, that’s me in Hawaii. ARRRR! Hard to relate, isn’t it?
There’s a big difference between choosing to be alone and having the choice made for you. I do understand there are some people that just like to be alone. And sure, there are times when it’s a big crowd and you just want to get out, get away. Fine. That’s easy. That’s your choice. But there are other times when the control is not our own and we are put in that empty space and there are no options. It just is. On my recent Hawaii trip I had a bit of both. The six people I know were in the condo next to mine. I was solo. I would hang out with them and eventually become socially overwhelmed and need to step away. I’d simply go next door. It was nice. Very convenient. But then, at night, alone in bed, I was very aware of my alone-ness and how that’s not really what I want… not in the long run. Apparently I am a bit of a cuddler. Sheesh. Who woulda thought?
When I was younger I’d always assumed that people alone on holidays are the exception. Surely everyone has somewhere to go. Some relative or nearby friend. Maybe that was true 20 years ago. Now so many of our connections are virtual we sometimes forget the physical. During Covid Katie and I Zoom’d with my brother, his wife, my nephew and his fiancee for Christmas. That was all our contact. No hugs. We need more hugs. At least we had each other.
Christmas day this year I spent alone. I did watch football but I avoided Christmas parades and movies. I didn’t want to be reminded of what’s missing. I got a bunch of texts. I went for a run along the coast. On my run I saw a former student. I saw AP from our running group. I got a hug from her. That was great. There were a lot of people walking or sitting alone on benches or in their cars. Made me wonder how many are alone on Christmas and other holidays. How many are getting the kids on the “other holiday”? How many are more like me and have lost a lot of their family? I do have some family left but I imagine there are plenty that are entirely alone. Katie was mostly alone. For her it started young when she and her sister were orphans on the streets in Seoul South Korea. The orphanage picked them up. Told them they were abandoned. The sister died in the orphanage. Don’t know why or from what. Then Katie came here and was put on display in the local paper as this novelty adoption event. So not cool. Growing up she was always different. The obviously adopted kid. Somehow her level of smart combined with her strong personality led her parents to kick her out of the house and then eventually, in written form, disown and abandon her completely. That’s a different level of alone. Wrong country. Wrong parents. Alone.
When I was in college I had a housemate that didn’t have many friends. Or actually… did he have any friends? I can’t remember a single one and I lived with him for years. He had a dog. Angus. The Australian Shephard. On holidays Dave always went to a movie. That’s what he did. My other housemate and I took off and saw our families. Dave was a good fellow. Why was he alone? I don’t remember if we ever invited him to join us. I hope we did. Maybe he refused.
Before I married Katie I would frequently have 2 or 3 invitations for every holiday. I do like spending time with other families and seeing their dynamics. Most of the time I’ve felt amazingly welcomed. Even so, there is a gap. They have shared stories and jokes and understand each other's behaviors. I am there - most likely on my best behavior - trying to not cause waves… trying to let them enjoy their own holiday. I may find a person or two to talk too but it’s usually superficial conversation. It’s usually talking to some parent or uncle that I may never see again. I enjoy it, but it’s fleeting. And still. You sit there watching the interactions and know they are not your own. They are not holding your hand. Sitting close by your side in a casual snuggle. It’s not your family. This is what you’re missing and you can see it right before your eyes. Hey wait, I’m back to that cuddle thing. Sheesh!
This Thanksgiving I was pleasantly surprised. I was invited to a family gathering. I knew my friend. I knew her parents. I was familiar with her kids. They all knew Katie. We all got along and through it all… it felt good. Better than the invitations and families I’d been with when I was younger. I didn’t feel alone and it seemed like no effort at all.
The Saturday after Thanksgiving I visited Katie’s aunt and uncle. It was a good visit. I purposely went after Thanksgiving to avoid the whole big family event. Turns out I wasn’t the only one that avoided it. One of their daughters has grown so far apart due to political viewpoints and internal family strife that she didn’t even show up. Didn’t even go. Stayed away. One of her daughters stopped by. It made me sad. Politics are fleeting. There are other real life things to focus on. You have family. Real family. Instead she was alone. Separated. How can we let our priorities get so messed up? Talk about differences. Understand them. Think about them. LAUGH about them. “I like cats” “I like dogs” Cool. Move on.
I’ve seen a few memes indicating strong people are willing to do things alone. “Just do what you want!” “Go out to dinner” “Travel” “Do it all!” “Don’t wait” “Don’t be dependent”.
Uhm what? Really? We’re friggin’ gregarious beings! We travel in packs! I’m strong. I know it. I need people. I know it. I’m learning how to tell people what I need. It makes me feel less strong, but I know I need it. Come on, gimme a hug!
Crows are pretty gregarious too… at times.
Military spouses get the alone thing. I was a military spouse in my first marriage and I have to say I still have a lot of respect for military spouses. It’s hard. You get told where to live, when. You handle all of the moving and then, most likely, when you get to the new place, your spouse isn’t even there. I moved alone to Georgia in the summer. My ex was already there. She immediately shipped out to Kuwait and then Bosnia. I lived there a year. She probably spent fewer than 30 nights in the house. As Thanksgiving approached… I dreaded it. Invitations were scarce. I found a local church lady who was spending the day giving out food. I gave out food with her. ALL day. It may still be the best Thanksgiving I ever had. So many smiles from so many faces.
After my divorce I traveled to Slovenia alone. I thought I was showing my independence and strength of character. Even though it was great to spend some time with my sister-in-law’s brother and niece I just felt… incredibly alone. Yeah, I know hearing “Danger! High Voltage!” blast across the valley while skiing in Slovenia will be hard to forget, but my overriding memory is that of being alone. Of a long plane flight. Of sitting in Cafes by myself. Of going to a German spa and finding out that, unlike the rest of the country, at a German spa in Slovenia no one has English as their second language. Everyone’s second language is, unsurprisingly, German. My German is weak. Eventually the staff found someone that could speak some Russian and the two of us bumbled our way through a conversation. I found out I was a bungling American messing up all the very strict German spa guidelines for who eats what when where and with whom. There are STRICT rules at German spas… apparently.
It was perhaps the most alone 2 days of my life. I was in a small town in the mountains. February. No shops. No stores. No other restaurants. I was surrounded by people I could not communicate with. It was cold and dark outside. I sat in my room, read and watched TV in other languages. The only real reprieve I had was when I got a massage. The masseuse spoke English. But our conversation was limited and I sure didn’t want her to think I was some creepy American hitting on her. erg. Alone. And then… when I did have a cool or funny experience there was no one to really share it with. No one to laugh about it with later. My whole spa experience? A great laugh if there was someone with me. A comedy of going to the wrong lines, eating at the wrong tables, knocking on the wrong door… but it was just me. Alone.
And today? I went to PT. I stopped by school. I picked up the Christmas presents my students had tried to give me the last day before break… but I wasn’t there! I was on a plane to Hawaii!! Whoo hoo! :-) I picked up my mail and got a fabulous thoughtful gift from my sister and her family. I got a virtual hug through a text from a friend. I may be sitting here alone in Starbucks but I do feel connected and I’m learning how to let people know when I need contact. I am learning how to be a little vulnerable and ask for a hug. It’s okay.
It may be that the other person needs a hug too, or maybe a cuddle. Sheesh.
Here… Enjoy Electric Six. There’s really no danger.