Bear in love

and other things

Part 1: Gute fahrte

Yesterday I was running on the beach. My plan was to check it out before Cross Country starts. I want to make sure nothing weird is going on out there. A dead sea lion. Some stairs that were closed are now open. The stream near the hotel does not make it to the ocean. Cool. I’m running back to the school and I hear this guy come up behind me, breathing hard. He passes me. I’m a little embarrassed. He might be my age but he’s got a serious belly. He’s also wearing running tights and has little visible muscle anywhere. Good golly. So…I figure, “this just isn’t right”. And …. even though I was very happy at my lolligaggy pace… I speed up. I run at about his speed for a little while and then slowly catch him. As I’m passing, I say “hello, nice day” and he responds in a thick German accent. “Gut afternoon, how are you today?” and thus began a one mile conversation with a fellow from Germany. He’s here for a month at NPS, studying or something. I hardly ever talk to other runners while running. The one time I do - he’s from Germany. If you read my last post you may also be thinking, “well maybe there’s something to this internation thing in your brain.” Maybe there is.

Part 2:

Unfiltered. This photo is a selfie. I used no filters. No image manipulation trickery. Just the kitchen light and the window. Low tech fancy. Yup.

I also considered using this photo as the hero for this post. Instead it will just slide in here. Snicker…. dood… ul.

Part 3 - some writings.

No edits. These are - as they came out. Written in pen in a little notebook.

July 27, 2024

My muddled brain
     is a merry go round
     thoughts standing in the middle
     firing at random

My muddled emotions
     are a furry magnet
     reaching and grasping, clinging and fighting
     for every ounce of love

And me in the middle
     pulled like taffy
     to love, to hold, to support, to need
     to be needed
     to be loved

What is it that I actually have
     to decide?
What is it that I actually
     want?
What is it that I actually 
     need?

The world is whirling by and I
     don't see a thing.

Also the 27th. Thinking about the “Fortress of the Bear” in Sitka…

Brown bear
Grown though you may be
your home is limited
walls high
a moat
a disguise of placitude

How can you 
find the forest
find your paws
truly use your claws and jaws

When you are so encumbered by love?

The love that found you
     lost and alone
The love that found you
     fed you, kept you warm
     let you grow
The love that holds you
     and won't let you go
The love that can do nothing
     but hold you tight.

Brown bear
     This was not a decision you made.

And finally. I dream fairly regularly. They don’t usually really stick. This one stuck. Really stuck. Seemed so real I was living in the dream for the first half of the day… waiting for her to appear. I wrote this about 4 hours after I woke up.

7/28/24

Had a dream last night
     prescient?

I'm walking around feeling that the world has changed.

Shopping in a mall like area. I take a seat to write... a poem, I think.

Three young people squeeze next to me on the right.

I am forced to scoot left to be polite.

I bump a woman on the left and I can feel her warmth. She giggles.

I glance over to her and can see some words on a paper she is holding. She teaches... and some other things I key in on. The specifics I remember in the dream... I don't remember them now.

We start talking and I comment on the things I saw in my fleeting glance at her paper. She flirts.

But a bell rings and there is a flurry of activity. The bench clears and she is gone.

I try to write my phone number on a piece of paper but my handwriting is atrocious. Each time I try to write it one of the numbers is unclear.

Finally I get up to look for her. I wander and look in a room. I see her sitting at a table with a student. The student says, "let me get out of your way" and we look at each other and sigh content.

~ some things happen here I don't remember~

More attempts at numbers occur. I still can't write.

She ends up asking if I need a ride home and I accept. We end up holding each other gently in the back seat and awkwardly maneuver for a kiss. I hit her nose and worry that my lips are thin. Old man lips.

She effuses love. 

Olive? Skin. Brown curly hair frames her face. Small in form but fit. Roundish face... She seems much younger than me. I tell her how old I am. I can not read her reaction. She does not say how old she is.  No resemblance to anyone I know. None. Someone new.

Where is she?

I feel like she is real and will appear. It was so tactile - complete and un dream like. 

---

I’ve not dreamed of her again. At least, not that I remember.

Yet I am more aware of those around me that I already love. I will not succumb to some dream and hold on to a fate that is simply a mirage or symbol in my psyche. BUT, I will be open to the world around me.

I’ve had more waking flashes of Katie lately. Interesting. Vivid short memories that sting. They leave me uneasy. There were parts of her that were hard to love… yet I did.