Best laid expectations
I don't even think hindsight is 20/20, why am I worrying about foresight?
Clouds and sun and wires - while crossing the Tacoma Narrows Bridge.
Parallel lines offer strength - the intersecting lines provide order.
What for are expectations?
I suppose they allow us to prepare for what might be coming. In that sense - good show. If we hold on to expectations too closely they can be detrimental. Are we really able to predict the future? No, not really.
This morning I woke with a fairly simple plan.
Drink coffee
eat a little food
do laundry
check. 2. check.
Laundry sorted. Took a load down to the laundry room. It’s a shared laundry on the garage level. On the way down the stairs I smell for detergent and listen for the machine. No sounds. No smells. Good. It should be available.
I open the door. A clothes bin is on the floor. The light on the washer is flashing “select cycle” hmm. I open the lid. Clothes are still there, unwashed. Someone, probably from last night had loaded it, paid and not hit “go”. There’s more laundry to do in the basket. It’s dirty laundry in the washer - I’m not touching it. Even if they start it now it’s at least . . . how long? hours… before they’re done. And so, my fairly simple day’s expectations dashed. Excellent use of three hours dashed.
So, rather than foment, here I sit at the laundromat*. Instead of the 3 loads I have 1 big load. Instead of waiting for the other person and then 30 + 45 + 45 + 45 minutes I will have 25 minutes plus 35 minutes. Instead of $12 I’ll pay $10 - and that’s even with my forgetting detergent and having to buy it. I have to take this notebook, load up my car and drive to do laundry. The bench is a bit uncomfortable.
Good? Bad? Indifferent? or just a shifting of expectations and attitude? It’s up to me.
I’m relatively fit. Physically. I enjoy working my body hard, sweating, pushing to the point of body aches the next day. But my body recovers fairly quickly and I’m ready to go again. And then, just when I’m feeling cocky about my fitness I’ll be in yoga and some yoga move or activity will kick my butt and point out just where I am weak or inflexible or just generally wimpy. I’m not all that. Not at all. But I will go again.
I’m relatively fit. Mentally. In my day to day I can maintain a good perspective. I feel empathy. I know how to put holds on my emotions, identify them, and react accordingly. Sometimes it does take a little work and I sometimes slip with a short response - but overall - GOOD. And when I do slip. I apologize. I try to own what I did. But then a day like Sunday comes along and I go off the deep end like an addict on a bad trip. Caught in that loop de loop of of negative thoughts that just keep reinforcing themselves.
Thank goodness for friends that can handle a BURST and not over-react and just let it flow. Expectations. Even knowing the steps… naming the emotion, recognizing it and letting it be real, releasing… even knowing it’s still hard when the word is jealousy or envy or fear. It’s hard when the flood feels like it washes over you and you’re drowning… I liked to think I was above jealousy but when you think you’re above it and you expect that it won’t affect you it makes it even harder to deal with. You have not taken the time to develop the muscles that it takes to deal with it. A flabby mind.
But I am relatively fit. Mentally and emotionally. It took a bit, but I did recognize the jealousy for what it was. Acknowledged it. Pointed out the negative nature of it and the reasons to my own brain. To my own brain. The master that controls everything.
I wish it was a cool breeze that blew away all the fog. Instantly.
It is not. It is a slow struggle. Moments of clarity. Appreciation for what I have. Then a root, a thought, trips me up and I feel the spiral fall forming.
Step back. Acknowledge that it is a struggle. Move on.
In life… we all have our ups and downs. Fairness is not really part of it… nor do I think it should be. It is simply a journey. And when we are in peril it is easy to look around and see that, in that moment, others are strong or happy or supported or whatever it is that you don’t have. In that moment.
It is easy to see the their positive and latch onto it as if it is something you should have instead of them. You deserve it!
Instead of them - that can be an evil phrase.
Instead - take joy in their pleasure, comfort, moments of relief in this life that can be oh, so uncomfortable at times.
Support. Love. Be kind. Accept. Cycles flow.
I am on my own path. My path took a bit of a diver this week, but I’m working my way back up, slowly. Friends have reached out their hands.
It is a journey… and along the way I’ll wave at others on nearby parallel paths. Maybe I will offer them a hand. Maybe I will cheer them on. I really do not want their path. Perhaps, though, I will find one that merges with mind for a short time? or a long time? I will take it as it comes and appreciate it. I will do my best not to expect it… I can not choose their path for them.. I merely have my own and it’s plenty tough enough to navigate on its own.
And your path? I wish you the best on your journey. There will be parallel lines, intersections, mergers, joy, and tough parts. Welcome the experiences and grow with all of them. It’s really the only option that makes sense, just don’t expect to know what’s coming.
*note. I was home from doing laundry before the person in my apartment building had finished.