Ever bin down?

still climbing peaks

It’s been windy here.  These two poor recycling bins fell victim to the breeze.  Far less functional when they’ve fallen over.

I’m less functional when I’m down too. Down a little now. Not unexpected. Holidays, you know. 

A little upset with myself for not planning better the last few months. I didn’t take full advantage of my fall break and now it’s a long Thanksgiving break and I didn’t arrange a trip or anything. Too much sitting around can lead to too much thinking… and it’s only Monday!

False peaks abound

Climbing peaks and mountains is tricky business. First off - they’re big. Sometimes the terrain is difficult. Sometimes the weather is inclement. Sometimes there’s a steep cliff just to the side…  And then there’s perception.  Hiking along, looking up… “oh the peak, it’s just right there” and you keep hiking.  And it’s still “right there”.  And you seemingly never get closer.

Then when you do get there and you climb up to that peak you look beyond and realize you’ve just climbed a bump that was in front of the real peak and perception had blocked your view. Hiding you from the truth. The real destination. At this point you have a choice. Is what you have just done “good enough” or will you continue on to find the real peak? Will you continue on and hope that it’s not just another false peak?

My advice - and perhaps advice I am not good at following - enjoy and appreciate the peaks along the way. 

My most recent peak is definitely around my emotional health and the holidays. It’s a bit windy on this peak and I don’t really think I like it. But I think I’ll be better for it. I do know the wind here is cold and I better make a decision - move on. Brrr.

Last year the holidays could have been horrible. First ones without Katie but instead they were great with KS and her family and I felt like there was no void. They took me in and I needed it desperately. A warm safe place. I would repeat it… ask to repeat it … and fall completely into her family experience. A warm embrace.  Ahhh… but 

but I feel like the awkward neighbor that comes over because they have nowhere else to go. but I feel like an extraneous arm that doesn’t have a sleeve. but I want to be there…. but I’m aware I’m an odd extra piece…  

So the question mounts. A question I can consider because my mourning is diminished. A question I can ask because I have had this lovely warm place to heal. Where do I belong? Where do I want to be? Who really wants me there? 

Last year I knew I needed to speak up and make sure folks knew I needed support and I accepted help gladly. It felt good. Really good.

Now my mourning is diminished and my history of feeling the need to be stoic is rising. Stoic Andy. Impervious. Strong. Tough tough tough. Independent.

I don’t think that’s really what I want to be. So the decision. Stoic or vulnerable?

It’s like I just climbed a giant peak of healing only to see another giant valley before me - a great moaty chasm with peaks all around. A swirling wind. In the distance I can vaguely see it. I’d like to be there… I think I know where… but that’s a big scary chasm. I will have to put a lot of faith and trust in the unknown. Maybe there’s a bridge? Maybe there’s a helping hand to pull me along? I don’t know. I worry that hand will just BOP me on the head and I’ll fall headlong. I still have ingrained fears / scars that poke their way into my brain at the most inopportune times. Fear of rejection… linked to desire for intimacy… linked to a weird hope for rejection… linked to a fear of intimacy… tied to finding emotional openness only to be hit by the emotional hangover that can be debilitating.  Fear of falling… 

And I know, deep down, no one I know now will bop me on the head if they can help it.

Who am I? Which path will I take? Which peak will I seek? Can I pry myself open? Who has that can opener?

Wait, where’s this trail going?! 

And then sometimes we head out on a trail and we think we know where we are going but no, it twists and turns and we end up somewhere completely different.  

And then I have to remind myself that regardless, it’s a long long trail. There are many twists and turns and for the most part, there is no reason to hurry or be afraid. No need to sprint up that next hill. Enjoy the trail. Enjoy the views. Your feet are stable.

Hold those with you honestly and dearly. It’s okay. Trust them. Tell them. Let them find safety in you. Find safety in them and know that the trails in life do sometimes diverge, but then - sometimes they converge and it’s marvelous.

Sigh… yet I still feel like an extraneous limb.  Grafted onto someone else’s tree. In life. In where I live. In where I work. In my presence here on this planet every day. Like a ghost observing as time goes by… a tourist. I am that UFO overhead.

OH, and by the way.

Thank you dear readers. I appreciate this place where I can write my thoughts and think and not be afraid. You have been most welcoming and kind. I appreciate that you are there. I do.