Hey, you're glowing

What is it with this human energy/spark thing anyway?

Stop! Stop! Stop!

3 or 4 mornings a week I put on a bright yellow vest, grab a whistle and a stop sign and head out to the crosswalk in front of the church before school. It’s a responsibility I first had back in the 5th grade. You might say I have some experience. One thing I like about it is that you really only tell people or cars to “stop”. We’re not actually supposed to tell cars to go. Telling a car to go takes away their responsibility in the situation. It shifts liability. So I either raise my stop sign for cars or a hold it to my side to prevent pedestrians from going. But I don’t tell the car to go… I just remove my sign. I don’t tell the pedestrians to go… I just move my sign to stop the cars. I have a one word vocabulary. It’s lovely.

As I do my duty most people just walk by. Sometimes they don’t wait for me to put up the sign. They just bully on through. Sometimes they smile or nod or say, “thank you”. It’s all good. One fellow that walks his granddaughter from the parking lot to the school every morning has been a happy constant. He’s very slight and maybe 5’ tall. He’s surely from southeast Asia somewhere. His accent is thick. As he walks he’s usually listening to a program on his speaker phone in a foreign language. He always smiles and nods when he leaves and says, “thank you teacher!!”.

In the past month or so he’s begun to stop and chat. He’s hurting. His body is beginning to fail. He will say, “I am sick” and hold his stomach. “I should be in the hospital”.... “I have cancer”... and I can only give him a sympathetic look and let him know I will pray for him. Hold his hand in a slow handshake. “Thank you teacher”. When I see him walking in with his granddaughter hand in hand I wonder how long it will be. He feels, he glows with energy, and even though I hardly know him I know he is a kind soul and I just wish him the best on his journey. Like a teeter totter, so kind and thankful yet miserable all at once. UPdown

On Wednesdays when I lead assembly and talk about the day’s prayer intentions I almost always include a general prayer for grandparents and those in our lives that might be ill. The last few weeks he is the one I am visualizing. Please do send him a virtual hug and if you pray - that too.

The glow exists

I was at a party a week or so ago. I only knew a few people there. There was a woman, maybe a little older than me, there. Very slight, a whisp. I couldn’t NOT look at her. She had to know. I was just transfixed. I managed to talk to her a little but she didn’t say much about herself. She talked about other people or her kids or her dear friends and how kind they are. A ring on her finger but there was never a mention of a fellow in all her kindness. Hmmm. Research has begun. Regardless, to experience that draw was reassuring. It’s been a while since the pull has existed. I’ve been worried I’ve gone spiritually numb.

The concept of human energy is an interesting one. When I was studying to earn my credential we had a class that was exclusively on Classroom Management. Best class I took and surprisingly not even required. Anyway. One of the things she tried to convince us to do when a class was particularly noisy or out of control and order needed to be restored was to simply raise our hand in a commanding way quietly at the front of the room. She did it on us and we instantly went quiet. Didn’t even have to be looking at her. Everyone just knew her hand was up. It was time.

I tried it as a substitute teacher. It never worked. Sometimes they’d look at me, amused.

I tried it as a student teacher. Never worked… but the master teacher could do it.

But then it turned. Even after just a short time as a teacher I began to get a feel for the kids as they walked into the room and where their energy was. I learned to pick out students and jest a little with the ones that feel like they’ll cause issues. I ask students to go get a drink of water if they feel “hot”. If there’s something really exciting and the whole class is buzzing, I let them buzz for a while. None of these things are spoken really. It’s the feel of the space. It’s the body language. Kids are open and their energy is raw. Reading them is very possible.

And they are also responsive. They get it. I can just stand quietly at the front of the room with a sense of will and often the class will quiet down. If that’s not enough I will raise my hand or just start doing something and they will follow along.

Many adults have mastered walls. The blank energy stare. The inward pull that hides their existence from the room. I do it too. Sometimes I purposely just blend in and become a wall, a door, a chair. But I can also expand and reach deep down to try to connect. When I do it I actually feel bigger. I fill the space. I do this when I am leading morning assembly or teaching a class. It’s not commanding a crowd… it’s being one with a crowd. It’s connecting so that they are willing to laugh at even the silliest joke. It’s connecting so that they can feel the emotion I am feeling as I speak the words. It’s connecting in a loving way so that they know they are safe.

And now. I have to figure out how to do this connecting with individuals. Perhaps with a woman I am interested in. Funny thing is… I’m less afraid of opening up to a crowded room than I am to a single solitary woman that I want to impress. Go figure. Maybe I’ll just ask if I can see her tattoo. She can pick which one to show me.

The question of the spark? Love at first sight! That magic. The meeting of energies.

We had a selfie modification assignment in class. This was one of the examples I made at the front of the room. I threw my energy out there. In return, they threw their right back with full on silliness. So fun.

Reciprocation

Katie and I had a spark. But I think we were both ready…both so open and eager for a relationship that when we met it was, bam. pow. zip. I do think our relationship intentions were different. I was looking for something longer term. She, I think, would have been happy with just a little while. Looking back at what she told me at the time, she didn’t think she would be around long. . . but anyway, we were both in a space to be open and receptive and we clicked then and there. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The spark remained for years but did slowly fade. Her volatile nature forced me to have my shields up. It’s hard to be open when you fear you might be attacked emotionally. The love remained, however. These, I think, are truly different things.

I know a couple that were friends for years. They dated others. They were truly just really good friends. At some point they got together and ended up getting married and having a kid and living a very contented life as partners. You can feel the love in the room. I need to ask them… “Did a spark grow? Did your care and love for each other create a flame that gradually grew? Was there a spark all along and you just ignored it?” I mean really - how did it work?

I’m largely curious now because I am so cautious. My past is heavy and I have been hurt and I know that most women my age also have a lot of heavy past things going on. To be open now feels a bit like ignoring the past and may not really be a good thing. It may indicate a lack of… reality?

How many loving married couples actually have that spark thing anyway? I mean, really? The spark… isn’t that a way to get things going? Isn’t the final objective a loving relationship? Hmm. Maybe I should just become a sparkler.

A glow

A student wrote this short little thing on a present she gave me. She has been one of the quietest students I’ve ever taught for the 6 years she’s been in my classes. This year she joined cross country and then track. I’ve begun to hear her voice (at first I was like, “who’s that!?”) as she laughs and yells and presents clearly and loudly from the front of the room. It is a transformation. And she’s just doing it. No sign of nerves or self consciousness at all. Kids are amazing.

Give someone a hug!