I challenge you

to a duel

Okay, not really a duel. But in this world of puzzlement perhaps it is time to do a puzzle. Try this one. I did it in 11 minutes and 9 seconds. Can you do it faster? My third graders had a hard time - to be honest. Panama Hats Jigsaw Puzzle

It’s been a while since I posted. A lot has happened. My intent was that my next post would be the complete “THE WHOTTS” choose your own adventure story. BUT… it’s still not done. Ho hum. It’s maybe ½ done. It’s a tricky thing, this kind of puzzling story telling.

More puzzling perhaps is how many student/athletes have signed up for track. Usually, it’s a little group of fabulousness… like maybe 12. Or a baker’s dozen that a wandering giant might find appetizing… but no. Today there were 29 out there running like wild cats chasing mirror ball reflections in the dark. Impressive no one ran into each other, really. They ran hard. They did push-ups. They did dead bugs. They ran. They threw giant rocks into a wall of sand. Most excellent. Thank goodness there were 3 other adults to help corral the herd. A herd of fabulousness.

Mourning continues! and yes, sometimes it does sort of feel like a sunrise. One where you’re suspicious of the clouds and what they might bring. It’s a little over two years now since I held Katie in my arms as she took her last breath.

This will seem unrelated - but I have two tickets to see Kim Deal March 21st in Santa Cruz and I need a date. Because of this need I have ventured again into the online world of meeting interesting women. I’d say “interesting people” but honestly.. truly.. mostly I want to meet interesting women. So there you are. That is what it is. Anyway… I seem to attract internationals. The ones I am in contact with are from England, China, Hong Kong and Russia and are all within roughly 100 miles of here. I wonder what’s in my water? So far I have had two refusals to the concert. One because she’s moving out of the area (not one of the four I’m currently in contact with and not international, but she had met Lemmy!) and the other because she has no idea who Kim Deal is but can we still go on a hike sometime?….. so it’s not all wo es me. Just a little wo es me.

Of these women I’m in contact with, one lost her husband about 6 months after I became a widower. She is a bit further back in the whole grief cycle thing so I offered my listening ear. I offered this thinking mostly I’d like to just help someone but as it turns out it’s been good for me as I continue to work through some things and to learn how to just accept the reality of who I am.

With the death of a spouse we never stopped loving the person that is gone. It’s okay to have stuff that honors them around. We need to have stuff that honors them around. They are part of who we are and always will be. It may diminish but it is there. This was not a divorce or a break up of any kind. And so yeah… Katie… if any of these ladies want to get serious with me they are going to have to understand that Katie will be around. I’m not going to force her down their throat, for sure. But I’m also not going to pretend she didn’t exist. She is not competition. I can still love. I am full of love and want to share it. She is just gone and I do still love her.

How death comes about does play a part in grief and mourning. Katie’s death was slow in coming. We knew it was around the corner. We actually had plans in place to speed it up if necessary. We talked about death and grief and mourning and held hands and said we love each other over and over every day like that day might be the last. To be able to do that, as horrible as the knowing was, was a blessing. My father and mother also were slow in passing. My father had some nice parting words for me. My mother, unfortunately, went through dementia and gradually declined. There is a different type of void with her. As if something remains incomplete. I imagine folks that lose their loved ones in an unexpected manner have a lot of “incomplete” feelings that they have to work through. I don’t want to have to go through that and know it could happen at any time. With those I love I do want to be open and honest and always keep things in good repair. They deserve that if I were to go quickly. For my part, I would like everything all in place should they be the one to go as well.

The woman I met that lost her husband, Y, - it was most sudden. Ten years of marriage and he died swimming in a river. Her friends and family have been telling her to move on. It’s time. I’m like, hey, wait a minute. That’s not fair to her at all! She can move on when she wants. I know others that have remained alone for years and years. They loved and are not interested in settling or replacing. She could choose that path, you know. It’s fine. Sheesh, people. So anyway. We’ve had some nice talks and I kind of feel like a sponsor in AA. Oh yes, uh huh, uh huh. Yes, that is a real and reasonable emotion you are feeling and blah blah blah… no. I don’t really sound like that. Mostly I just listen… and listen… and listen and sometimes tell my own story so she knows she is not alone in what she is feeling. And there were a few hugs and they were nice and comforting and felt good. I was most amused when she said sometimes she looks at his picture on the wall and says, “F*&k You T*&&, for leaving me here!”.

I don’t do that to Katie. she was in too much pain. But Y’s comments do make me realize that while there are a lot of similarities in grief, there is a lot that can be different. Sort of like a toothache, I suppose. We never really know what someone else’s toothache feels like. We can only relate it to our own.

And yes, the world is a puzzlement now. I feel like the puzzle pieces have all just been thrown up in the air and the box with the picture was destroyed. I guess we’ll just have to do our best to put the pieces back together in a way we can live with.

Love. Be patient. Be understanding. Fight for kindness. Fight for kindness at all levels to all people.

yup. bricks. I did take the photo. Sheesh.