In the weeds

what is this go it alone thing

Does this look like a 54 year old man?  I wonder.  This post is a total ramble, btw. 

Track has ended and my evenings are free. This means… the lonely bomb has struck. POW. I have some good friends but the problem is I tend to like people that are really busy. I also have years of habits to break.  Katie didn’t like folks dropping by. Nope. Not at all. So my friends and family have 18 years of do not drop by training. The end result? No one drops by. Sigh. So - lonely. Formal invite or nothing. 

Not being one to sit on my laurels for eternity I have attempted to reach out. Find some new folks to fill the gaps. Dinner invites. Say yes to invites. Get out and about. It works some. Not enough.  I also have 18 years of cuddle training. Basically at least an hour a night every night on the couch. Sometimes maybe only during Jeopardy but it was consistent and I miss it. Sigh. And yes, I did like sharing a bed. Something very comforting about having that person right there.

And then my mind ventures to romance. Aghh. I don’t know. Dating. Ick. Societal norms. Ick.  Can we just become friends by doing things together and then… do more things together? I’ll take just sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch while watching a movie. That’d be good. Or cards. That would work too.

Romance and sex!  Aggh.  Take it easy! Let’s just start with a movie and the couch. 

There’s a mom at school I think is interesting (Her ex is a bit scary though).  I did ask her out for a run. She does seem genuinely interested and does seem to go out of her way to wave and say hi and smile and make little quips. But she too, is busy.  Three kids will do that to you. One cancellation so far. 

I can be patient but I don’t enjoy being patient. 

Swipe!

The lonely was enough I ventured back online just to look around.  Maybe find someone to interact with. Most are like billions of miles away. And the photos are like whackado. It’s like they took a course on “how not to take a photo of yourself”.  Ladies in their early 50s look worn and exhausted and  I wonder what kind of life they’ve lived. Oh my. Then I read a couple profiles and someone talks about how the men are all looking for younger women.  Hmm.  If men are looking for younger women then perhaps the women are fibbing a little and saying they are younger than they actually are!  I am not looking for a younger woman. I don’t need to be admired, looked after, coddled or affirmed endlessly. Yeah, sometimes that’s nice, but it won’t make me grow.  I am looking for a smart, fit, witty, powerful soul of a woman. Age difference? Not much please. 

I tried to start up a couple chats. Exercise in frustration is what that is. I write a paragraph (as I do) and they reply with 3 words. That does not qualify as witty banter.  Sigh. Really. Three word answers. 

3 word answers. So very sad. 

I was very amused by the profile of one woman up in the Bay Area. She said, “and if you’re vaccinated, don’t even bother contacting me.” Wait, what?  and then she proclaimed her devout Christian beliefs and said something positive about Trump… hmm.  I somehow survived the anti-vaxing and kept reading but Trump. No, I’m done. Red X on that one. 

Wow Andy, you’re being blunt today. Well yes somewhat. The other day I read Kimbra’s substack and she talked about emotional hangovers. Basically an emotional hangover can occur when you share something very personal or have an emotional moment with someone and then later have anxiety over what you shared. Opening oneself up to be seen in the raw is exhausting and can be scary. I realized after reading about it that I had gradually closed myself off in my posts. Time to stop that. Let it all hang out!   Some of it is because it is emotionally tiring but I think another part is that I now have a variety of followers that read what I say… and even though I try not to let it happen, the knowledge that they are there has an effect on what I write, on what I’m willing to say.  Sigh. 

I do have a bit of an emotional hangover right now. I may have overstepped… intending to be helpful. We shall see. Helping and giving are interesting in that the very act of giving reveals something of your own emotional state. Giving makes you vulnerable.

Yesterday was 8th grade graduation Mass. A nice event for the students and families but it leaves me empty. I attend and walk out but then, as a teacher, you’re just kind of there. Your job is done. The student is moving on. Maybe I will never see them again.

But sometimes I do see them again. 2 graduates came by last week out of the blue just to say hi. Friday 3 former students came by and helped me in the Tech lab for 2 hours. There’s an odd gratification in having them come back and just want to say hi and help out. 

Mass yesterday meant I didn’t get to run with my group. Bummer. Today KS had a couple other things going on. Bummer. No run with her either. Gee whiz. How am I going to maintain my sanity? My running friends keep me grounded. I did run 10 Saturday evening anyway. Here’s Bird Rock in Pebble Beach.