It's a mountain

There are peaks.... and there are valleys.

That’s Mt. Shasta from the Weed Rest area.

Last Monday I got in the car and drove to Olympia. Yes, in one day. Yesterday I got in the car in Port Orchard and drove the 904 miles to Pacific Grove in 13 hrs and 45 minutes. Yup.

I’ve done the drive in various shapes and forms before. It can feel long… or longer. Depending on the day and time of year. Believe it or not, it’s not the furthest I’ve driven alone in one day. When I moved to Georgia and drove across the country with our precious belongings (first marriage), I stopped in Kansas City to visit family and friends. When I left my heart focused on N and my desire to see her. I just kept going… and going… and going… Getting to Allenhurst, GA at about 1 AM the next day. According to Google Maps that’s over 1000 miles. I still have a clear vision of the road into town when I got there. A back country road. It was raining buckets and thousands of tiny frogs were jumping across the road in the rain. Every little thud against the car broke my heart but there wasn’t anything I could really do. I had to keep going to get to her… to see her after months apart.

This was a week of appreciating what I have and then feeling horrible about what I don’t have.

I have good friends in Olympia in the Ks. He was the primary reason for this trip with some icky post surgery things going on. A very good fellow and so I just wanted to be there. No plan really. Just hang out. Drink coffee. Play games. We visited his parents - which I actually like doing. They were like second parents to me growing up. T, his dad, and I spent several spring breaks and summers traveling around to lakes and fishing growing up. It’s good to see them… and eat the cookies she makes.

Second on the list was seeing sis. She’s finding her footing - still a new member in the widow club - but doing well. Always good to see her and her daughters. Fine young, strong women. I appreciate the hugs and time together. Super cool that my sister’s new place of work has a hobbit house… who knew such things exist!

Number three was seeing my aunt. I’ve always liked her a bunch and I figure I better squeeze in a visit to her every chance I get. Age creeps up on you. Sis and I went together and had some tasty Thai food with her. She’s still sharp… and was a little disappointed when I brought up Mahjong but then we didn’t want to play. She even brought out her set! Somehow I ended up with a painting that was my father’s that was painted by some great aunt or other. I’ll have to ask her again for the details.

And so it is. What I have.

And in the glory of embracing and enjoying what I have I do recognize what I don’t have. My close family is pretty limited. Katie is gone. My parents are gone. I have no kids. When I got home last night the silence was deep and dark. No one was happy at my return. Most didn’t even know I left. The bed was lonely. It would have been our wedding anniversary in about 10 days. The tears are real and deep. I see others, my friends, and see their spouses, their kids, their pets and know they have anchors and know that, while I am welcome and loved, I am not one of those. I am the separate.. the 5th wheel… the extra set of clothes packed in the suitcase, just in case.

The drive both north and south reminded me of trips with Katie and how it always took so long because after a few hours she would get grumpy and need a smoke break so we would have to stop… and have a break, then maybe get some food and have another break. Along the way I remembered three different hotels we had stayed in. The Adult Shop we visited together just to see, “what’s up?” I remembered a coffee shop we stopped at for a quick break and it took them 30 minutes to make an americano… yeah, that will kill your travel efficiency. I remember appreciating the beauty of Shasta as we drove by, checking the lake levels, seeing butterflies swoop and dashing across a parking lot in Corning as we were attacked by a swarm of mosquitos. I had that. It was ours.

Out of the blue Katie’s phone got butt dialed by an old friend in LA yesterday. No message so I texted him. He said he was cleaning out old messages and found one from Katie that he has saved so he has a memory of her. He forwarded it to me and she is so bright and cheerful and forward in every moment of the message - finally ending with her cheery, yet grumpy, “ok fine!”.

“Ok fine!” I do not know where to go from here. I feel constantly as if I am the initiator. The “let’s do this” “I’ll be there at 3”... it is not that I am not welcome but there is a big difference between initiating contact and being invited. Being integral. Being included in something you didn’t even know about. I really just want to back off and see who sticks around… see who reaches out to me… but deep down I just know that will lead to isolation. There will be a few here and there but the reality is that I am the 5th wheel. I will get shunted aside.

And yes, I do know my mind is fixating in a negative spiral right now. I am not being fair. It’s hard to see the generosity and love at the moment. But here I sit, 7:30 am after not sleeping much all night after driving 13 hours because my mind was racing and my heart feels so empty… and at the moment… I just see the emptiness of space around me... I feel jealousy at what others have and wonder what happened… Why am I so far outside the loop?

So, I do implore you, as a fellow human being. Be grateful for those close to you and what you have. Please do not take them for granted. Be kind. Be understanding. Hold on. Empathise if you have the luxury to do so…

It is not just the politics of the world that is constantly changing. It’s everything. The trees grow. The shores erode. People age and change and live their own lives and it can go all topsy turvy in a day…

just a day. Hold on.

And then… in the little usps email I get telling me what mail I’m getting today I see my name, handwritten by a former student. Looks like a thank you note. Thank you.