It's simple really
a look back on 2023
7 parts: Life is about living, Doing what is right is sometimes hard, There is a lot of love in the world, I am aging, Being lonely is okay, Giving is a good recipe for a happy soul, Mental health is serious business.
2023 was a long year. A lot happened. A lot changed. I learned some things. I was reminded of some things. Some things became more concrete in my mind.
Part 1: Life is about living
Along with that comes dying. It’s a package deal. How we live our lives every day is a choice. Will you be nice to the retail clerk that makes a mistake? Will you be nice to your mother when she forgets something? Will you wait patiently for that darned Canada Goose to walk slowly across the road? Some of the choices seem trivial in the moment but when you add them all together - that is who you are. That is your portrait. One of the choices you have to make is if you will respect the choices of others. Last December I sat in a hospital room with Katie after she had tried to “escape” 3 times. The hospital was not for her. Being told what to do was not for her. Being guilted into action was not for her. A special nurse had come in to determine her state of being. Katie firmly told her she wanted out and she wanted no treatment and no she didn’t want to be poked and prodded to find out more specifically what exactly it was that was happening so quickly in her body. The nurse listened. The nurse decided she was of sound mind and let her go and recommended hospice. Hospice nurses started coming by and within 2 months Katie’s life course had come to an end. As much as it pained me to understand and know that she did not want to fight and stay, I understood and I knew it was her choice to make. I understood that extensive tests and hospital visits for someone like her would be torturous. Absolutely torturous. I understood enough of her past to know where the root pain was coming from and I knew there was nothing I could do that would alleviate that deep pain. I could only mollify. Give moments of cheer, humor and love. My role and choice was simple really. I promised 18 years ago that I would stick with her no matter what. So I did.
Part 2: Doing what is right is sometimes hard.
We had a favorite hospice nurse. She shared with us her beliefs regarding hospice and patient rights and we came to understand and really appreciate the work that hospice nurses do. They are, from what we saw, doing what they believe to be the right thing to do. Respecting patients' wishes. Giving them respect in their final days. Making the journey as tolerable as possible. Along with that comes a hell ride of people in their final days going through a lot of pain. A hell ride of family members that are probably not very nice. And then they leave one patient, one hell ride experience, and go straight to the next and have to put on that comforting, loving, helpful face. How they get through it I really don’t know but one day we got a glimpse into what it is like. The nurse came to our apartment with a wrist brace. Katie asked her what happened. She responded with, “oh, I did something stupid”. But Katie was persistent and we found out that after rough days one of the things the nurse did sometimes was just take it all out on a pillow on the floor. PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH. Unfortunately she had missed the pillow and damaged her wrist the night before. This from a sweet person… kind… gentle… loving. The burden can be heavy to do what you feel is right.
Part 3: There is a lot of love in the world.
Despite the strife and differences that are emphasized every day, there is still a lot of love in the world. In my days with Katie I had become largely separated from friends, family and colleagues. I had, out of necessity really, isolated myself. When her final days came the outpouring of love and support from a community that I had largely ignored for years was amazing. Comforting. Engulfing. The power of hugs from my peers, students and friends saw me through the toughest days when not only Katie died, but also my mother and several other family members. It was a rough 6 months but now, as I look back, my mind focuses more on the love and support I received than on the sorrow I felt and still feel. Life is about living and my community reminded me of that.
Part 4: I am aging, finally.
Mentally, I’m still a YOOT. When I think of myself I am small, quick, agile, fit, and tough. Capable of it all. Yet. Now. I am a widower. I am 53. I have a slipped disk that is going to remain… a slipped disk. If I want to keep doing what I am doing I have to take care of my body. I have to do daily exercises to stabilize my core. I find that even though I have slipped, I feel stronger than I have in years. I stand straighter than I have in years. I find these daily exercises are also stabilizing my mind. I do them and I know I am doing something to make sure I have a good day tomorrow. I am doing something to ensure I can continue to act like a YOOT. I just need to be better at being a smart YOOT.
Part 5: Being lonely is okay.
Sometimes the desire to just have someone to hold at night is strong and deep. So strong I don’t want to go to bed. But this is more a testament to the relationship I had with Katie than anything else. I miss her and love her and there was a comfort being with her for 18 years that is undeniable. That’s okay. There’s nothing to feel sorry about. Hard decisions were made. I would not change any of those decisions. It’s okay. Sigh. All in good time. Patience. Be smart. Don’t be hasty. Breathe.
I have learned that I should not listen to too many sad love songs. Those just put me in a bad place. Delilah was on the radio the other night while I was doing the dishes. That was a huge mistake. Should have turned that off right away. Sad love story after sad love song after sad love story after sad love song. Almost started me on a downward spiral. Oddly, switching to some industrial punk music helped pull me right out.
Part 6: Giving is a good recipe for a happy soul.
There are a lot of things I can do to make my loneliness less of an issue. Coaching track in the spring and then Cross Country in the fall was major for me. It gave me extra kid energy. It forced me to plan fun things for others. It was an instant reminder of why I’m here. I’m not here for me. I’m here for others. Starting this substack a few months ago has been very good for my mental well being. It’s allowed me to work things out in a space that feels safe and supportive. I also hope that maybe it will be of use to others as they go through things in their own lives. Baking and cooking for friends has been an odd, yet very satisfying, method of giving that makes my soul feel better. I enjoy focusing on what they like or enjoy and then devoting myself for an hour or two to making something just for them. Any little thing I can do for someone else just makes me feel good. Oddly enough, this seemingly “selfless” behavior that I engage in is largely selfish in nature. I am helping you… for me. So you’d better accept it, bucko.
Part 7: Mental health is serious business.
Somehow this year, life has put me on a path to study mental health and share what I learn with my peers. At a time in my life where I am more vulnerable than I have ever been, I am learning the importance of emotions, of sharing them and being honest about them with others. I am thankful for this opportunity and for having it happen when I am a massive emotional and intellectual sponge. I want to know more. I see myself in many things I read. I see Katie and her past in many of the stories of childhood trauma. I am sad that she did not have better support. I can only hope that we can do better and recognize, as a society, that we are not here to buy the next electric car, or make more money than our cousin, or have a greener yard than our neighbor. We are here to give, and love, and do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.
It’s simple really.