Poke the Bear

Test the waters, or better... respect the boundaries.

Photo taken at Fortress of the Bear in Sitka.

Sometimes when on the adventure of life we see a pond and we wonder if it’s ice cold, cold, cool or just right and we might tip our toe in to see. Then, once we know we’ll either stay out or dive right in.

Sometimes we tip our toe in… and it’s cold but it’s so inviting we dive right in anyway… and then jump right out.

Sometimes we’re told it’s cold and we’re like… ok! I’m out… I’ll just enjoy the view.

Sometimes we assume it’s cold and don’t even try. Later we might wonder. hmm.

But what if the pond is off a 10’ cliff. Once you go - you’re in. You’re not going anywhere. You’ve poked the bear - it woke up and you’re stuck with it.

Katie could be a bear. More like the bear jumping into the pond. I don’t know how many times we went to a store or restaurant and they pissed her off and she exploded. She’d usually end with “We’ll never come back here again!”. Never. Sigh. I always hated it when she did that.

There are decisions in life that you can’t come back from.

There was a time in college when I had many girl friends but no “girlfriend”. One girl friend was hoping to get a little kinky with her boyfriend and asked me if I’d be willing to go into a special shop and get her some handcuffs. I was like, Okey dokey! So I went into this adult shop in the U District. While there I discovered they also had birthday cards. Adult birthday cards. My male college brain decided a birthday card for another girl friend would be a good idea. I was convinced it was funny. It will go over well. It will be great and we’ll have a laugh.

The handcuffs went over well. They had fun. The card? She never spoke to me again. That was a pond I jumped into and was shocked at the temperature. I’m sure she was shocked too. I was so convinced it was just fine. Looking back - no way in hell it was fine. No way in hell.

Katie’s decision to wait and wait and wait before going into the hospital and then refusing aid… Can’t really go back from that. Hearing her say out loud to the counselor that she didn’t want to know what it was and didn’t want treatment is still the moment that hits me hardest. She had told me that before, just the two of us, but it lacked a certain reality. Hearing her tell someone else was a slap, wake up slap. Reality.

Wake up slap.

Recently I’ve been getting tunnel vision about my poor woe es me self. No cuddles. No “girlfriend”. Seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel. Too much time to think about the darkness. Too distracted to light a match. To truly step outside. Poor woe es me.

So wrapped up that logic is suspended. My own sense of what is real and true is warped. I stop thinking about how I can help others and fixate on my own woe es self. That’s a bad place to be and not a good place for making decisions. And certainly not a good place to be when deciding if it’s time to jump in a pond. I started thinking way too much about a pond I’ve been visiting. I’ve been hiking around the edge pretty regularly. It’s nice.

There are 2 signs around the pond that say it’s cold. Two! They are there because I asked. And I could feel it too. I knew the water is not for me. I totally knew but lied to myself. I ignored the signs. Surely the water is fine. Temptation, tunnel vision, loneliness, doubt… is it really cold? Hmmm. Maybe just check? Maybe… It’ll be fine. Surely it’s actually warm and cozy. So I jump into the shallow end to test… not a full on dive. And yeah. It’s cold. I’m floundering because it’s muddy and I can’t get out and it seems to just be getting deeper and that’s when I remember that I can’t swim. Damn. Worst part is that I knew it too. I didn’t respect the pond. I didn’t listen to the signs or to myself. I like to hike here but now the water is all muddied. Damn.

Slap and the only thing going through my head now is, “oh no”. Poked the bear. Whatever I get, I deserve.

~pause a moment~

And now…theoretically… Let’s say this “pond’ were to come to me as a friend and ask for advice and say. You know… there is this dude who was told twice it’s cold - don’t go in. Yet he came jumping in and disrupted everything and made a mess. What should I do? That’s three times now.. what do you think?

I’d probably say he’s established a pattern and will most likely do it again. Bound to muddy the waters again. Maybe not tomorrow but probably in a few months. Time to build a fence. Damn. Might even suggest a no trespassing sign. Damn Damn.

I love those hikes. But I’d totally get it if a sign went up. I crossed over. I didn’t listen. Asked the same question over and over thinking the answer might change…was I trying to pressure a change? ? ? I don’t know. . . I don’t think so. If the whole story is told it will sure look like pressure. That’s even less respectful. And it’s especially stupid since I know deep down that it’s not for me. Why oh why? If it had been warm what would I have done? Stepped out and said, “sorry, just kidding, I can’t swim anyway”. It doesn’t even make sense. It’s like poking a bear while holding a steak just to see what it will do. Nothing good will come of it.

Phooey on my own woe es me brain.

I know. I knew. Really. I’d like to just hike around again. But honestly ~ going on without a sign, a fence, would require more patience and understanding than I have. Pretty sure Katie would have barbed wire up already. Flamethrowers too.

Despite the advice I would give, I think the pond will just put up another “it’s cold” sign. It might wonder if the first signs were clear enough. Probably won’t even give me an icy glare as I hike around the edge. I’ll have to step around that spot I made all muddy. Damn.

Did I tell you? It’s an amazing pond. (also near Sitka)