Sneaky little devil

A meandering stream of conscious...nessy...Scotland...Loch

In the spring of 1998 I gave my 30 day notice at High Flying Banners up in Seattle. I’d worked there for three years. I started doing mostly bookkeeping and a little graphics. Then gradually, a whole lot of graphics. As a going away present my boss, Diana, asked me to design my own banner, pick my own fabrics and have the masterful sewing team put it together for me. Sewn applique, if you don’t know. At the time I thought it was quite a weird present. I mean - shouldn’t someone else pick the present? Yet… here it is. On the wall in the garage 26 years later. One of the few things I’ve consciously saved from my past. I see it every time I get in the car, get my bike, do laundry or do any other garage like thing.  It holds a lot of fond memories and a lot of key learning elements from my past.

1 month after I received this banner, Nicolle moved to Monterey to go to DLI. I stayed with my mom in Tumwater for another month. Getting things packed. Getting ready to go. I remember thinking the time off was cool. Then one day I went golfing alone at Tumwater Valley and I remember… on one of the holes that we used to roam across as kids… I remember feeling so lonely. The empty space was overwhelming and the wait to get to Monterey to see her was painful. 

There were many other times like that… as I’m sure all you military spouses know. I liked that she was doing it. I liked that she was finding her power. Herself. But lonely sucks. 

I occasionally do things that have the opposite effect of what I desire. I’m a writer and always have been. I wrote Nicolle letters to let her know I was thinking of her. That I love her. That I miss her. And I wonder sometimes now… if all those letters are what actually pushed her over the edge. I may have sounded like a lonely mess that couldn’t survive on his own. That was pestering her unnecessarily. That should be more independent. And so maybe… maybe all that “expressing love” that I thought I was doing was really becoming a rope around her that was holding her back from what she needed to do in her training, in Bosnia, in Kuwait.  Not supportive… just whiny. Sigh. 

Of course I don’t actually know why, when we met in Scotland, she said, “I don’t want to be married anymore”.  It’s all just speculation. Oh, Nessy! Where’s the closure!!?? 

And that ended 23 years ago. Geez. A friend is doing the work to find closure in her divorce. In her feelings. I am so happy for her. I’m a little jealous. I still feel that insecurity from not knowing what I did, what happened… 

I look back on my relationship with Katie and I did do much better. But that damned “do things that have the opposite effect of what I desire” did sometimes come into play. Evil. Katie thought I hated tomatoes for a long time. Okay, that’s minor. 

A bigger one…  During Katie’s independent research at Pinnacles and Santa Lucia she was away from home quite a bit. Sometimes she’d get home late in the evening. Honestly - I was so happy. She found a focus. Had a plan. Was doing super cool things. These photos? She took them from the exact same location about 6 months apart. She didn’t mark the spot. She just knew. She remembered how high she held the camera. She didn’t take a bunch of shots and pick the best. That’s just what she did and what she was… 

But little pebbles began to fall that became discouraging boulders. Mostly from the “white folks” she had to deal with. There was a fellow that seemed to always be where she was on the trails. That creeped her out. Me too. I encouraged her to mix up the times she went but she said that would mess with her study. She started thinking about the cost of the gas to drive there three times a week (note: I never complained about that! honest). Then one day I said something about missing having dinner together… bad move. Bad bad move. That became the final straw and her independent study stopped. In her sober moments we talked and she knew there were a lot of factors that drove her to stop. . In her less sober moments it was entirely my fault. The first time she went off on me about it I literally had no idea what she was talking about. “What, I said I want you home in time for dinner?” 

Now… if you knew Katie - you know that telling her what to do never really worked. So somehow I had found a magic recipe for it - exactly when I didn’t actually want to.  Geez. Sigh. I pleaded with her to keep going. That’s not what I meant… but her decision was made. Just try telling her what to do…

There’s an even bigger “opposite effect of what I desire” with Katie I’ll write about sometime. I’m not ready. oye. Somehow, I recovered. Made it through. 

Teaching is rather exhausting. I forget how exhausting every year during the course of the summer and then school starts and I’m like, “ohmygolly”. Today I am particularly pooped. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. And I think days like this are the days I feel the most lonely. They are the sneaky little devils. I get home and I don’t really want to do anything. I do want a cuddle. Just to hold someone. Quietly. For a while. Maybe decompress the day in words. I can see why folks get dogs and cats. Goldfish just don’t cut it. 

Goldfish.

That’s about how good I am at initiating anything that resembles cuddling or physical intimacy. I’ve mentioned hugs here a lot. That’s a HUGE deal for me. I found a safe way to get some of the contact I need…  When I met Katie I somehow had the gumption to get a kiss and …. then avalanche. I was never good at that sort of thing. Always more worried about side effects and unintended consequences. I assume there have been some “ask me out” or whatever clues I’ve totally missed. This is one area I know I have no confidence. I’m afraid. I always second guess the signals I think I see. I don’t want to offend anyone. Why would anyone want to be with me? I’m dorky. Sometimes smelly. I wouldn’t want to look at me naked.  Heck no. Why would anyone else even consider…

Nicolle… oh, she came after me and I had no clue what was happening. 

Elke - a mutual coming together - but mostly her. She’s the one that traveled hundreds of miles to see me. Even I’m not going to miss that clue. 

Yup. A Goldfish. Who wants to cuddle with a goldfish? I’m just floating here. blub blub.