Someone else's memories

Be careful where you tread...

There are four parts.

ONE: KS, the girls and I were walking on the beach on Maui last winter.  Do be do be do. Then they appeared. Imprints in the sand. HUGE imprints in the sand. You can see in the photo that my first three toes fill up the spots for their first two toes. We followed the steps for a while. Never saw who they belonged to.

Perhaps those big feet belong to the guy KS met the other day and started talking to and couldn’t escape for an hour. I think we’ve all experienced that… the person that just keeps going, keeps talking and they don’t catch the hints. Sigh.  Please. Just. Stop. I had that a few times the first teacher day back at school.  Things to do. Got to go. Let me go. Or worse… I’m standing there waiting for a gap in the conversation just to ask a question.  Can’t even get a question in!  Oh me.  Anyway, the tie in?  KS learned some stuff from this guy that’s pertinent to our next adventure and I’m pleased as punch. Especially pleased that she was the one stuck talking to the guy for an hour and not me. 

TWO: Today I was walking with a new friend, R… and I don’t even know her last name. We passed some scuba divers and she asked them if the water was cold. The guy nearly lit up at the question and was like, “yeah it is, but that’s why we wear these wet-suits.” He pulled at it from his side to show its texture, “They keep us warm”. And we all smiled and just kept going.

And then my conversation with R turned to how she wouldn’t scuba dive here, but she loved it in Hawaii.  Hawaii, where it’s warm all the time. 

THREE:  Last night was ladies night. The three ladies came over and I made leek, onion potato soup, baked bread, made grilled cheese and used some KS daughter strawberries with some whipped cream for dessert.  In the text thread asking what I was making the quickest witted one said, “you had me at whipped!”  Apparently her hubby and kids can all see their texts and were mildly confused.

After dinner it started when I brought out my whip. (in reference to the text) “I bet you have handcuffs too!” (no, I don’t).  Then I put on “Struttin” Yeah… that really got things going.  

 

So then, we settled into chairs and the couch and we watched the latest Jo Koy comedy. I don’t remember his previous ones being quite so raunchy!  Anywhoo, comedians are fascinating.  They bring in their own memories or observations and take us there… sometimes in an uncomfortable way. Part of the funny with Jo Koy is being able to relate to what he is saying, but being embarrassed that you relate to him.  OH MY GOD! EXACTLY. Anyway, the three were laughing harder than I’ve heard anyone laugh in a long time… for a whole hour. The whole hour!  Really. Stomping feet even. I felt sorry for my downstairs neighbor. 

FOUR: Been sending love back and forth with my friend MAC. We’re kind of on the same grief pattern and have found a connection through our experiences and writing. A dear soul. I can feel her aura from 300 miles away.  Funny, I’ve met her in person once… years and years ago. Even then we barely really talked. We were just on the same relay team. 

Her brother died unexpectedly a little before Katie died. The path is different - sudden grief versus anticipated grief, yet it is the same. It is deep and infecting. It has to be processed and if you don’t do it properly it can be like a nasty virus in your soul. Not fair. Why?! Anger. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Why didn’t I …  Why didn’t she…  and it goes on. MAC’s sister in law has taken some of her energy and is running it out through races and running. I can see that. I understand that. The focus of the immediate activity is addicting and cathartic.

I’ve been going through Katie’s stuff.  My goal after my trips was a bag a day. I did pretty well but school has started now so I’ve slowed down.  Katie saved a lot of stuff. I’ve seen baby pictures, class pictures, found her cheer-leading outfit. Seen pictures of her friends from High School that I still know. I felt slightly dirty after that.. seemed creepy… like I was prowling. Very odd. Peeping Tom, I am.

I also found boxes and boxes of letters. I skimmed through them. Some were rubber banded together and represented years of communications with specific friends. Many she was no longer in contact with. It was heart wrenching to find the letters from her parents she received in 1989. These were the letters I had heard about. These were the letters that were a giant downward spiral that would never end. I couldn’t read them completely. They are gone now. At the dump. And it feels good. Very good. I wish she had burned them and seared them from her memory. ~  What were they? In essence they kicked their adopted daughter out at the age of 18. While still in high school. Gave her to God… was one thing that was said. The daughter with straight A’s that always tried to do everything to perfection. The daughter that was scared. Yes, she could be difficult but there is no world where this was the right thing to do. No world. She slept in her car while getting straight A’s. 

A month later the mother wrote a letter to Katie that was a bill for car insurance. Read that again and let it sink in for a moment. 

I hate how angry this makes me. I try to be empathetic but I can find no sympathy or understanding for the parents. Yet, I don’t want to be angry or hate. I do not. Sigh.

Act with the expectation that even if you don’t know someone, you will love them. They have their own story. Their own memories. Sometimes it is hard. 

When you love someone. Love them. Find out what they need and help them. When you love someone and they say something that doesn’t make sense, find out why. Don’t assume they are crazy or lying or off their rocker. Help them, please. 

Oh, and love as much as you can.