Substance vs Clutter

you decide

5 parts. Don’t run away, Today’s food, Music, Nature, The real clutter

Part 1. Don’t run away.

The cousin of one of my x-country team members joined us for practice today. Now, I should tell you this is middle school x-country and about half of the team is actually 5th graders. This is young energy. The fellow shows up and looks like an elite runner. You can just tell. He’s lean, sort of tall, muscular legs, light upper body. He starts running and just glides. It seems like I’ve seen him before but I don’t know why. When we run a lap at the track he starts doing these weird leapy things over the hurdles. I can’t do that.

After the run I talk to him and he’s just Mr. Positive. Happy to be here. The kids have given him some much needed energy. He’s totally complimentary of my attempt at coaching. I mention that he looks familiar and he’s like, well yeah. You may have seen me on the news when I was leading the Big Sur Marathon through 20 miles. What?! Then we start talking about other running things and it turns out he makes his living participating in/coaching a running program for youths in Kenya. Holy catnip.

Part 2. Today’s food. The bacon, spinach, blue cheese, romaine, pasilla pepper, sundried tomato salad I made this evening was excellent.

Part 3. Music. 吳卓源 Julia Wu. Her song “Retail Therapy” is my current favorite. Live version on Youtube

Part 4. Nature.

Hiking is good for the soul. Hiking with a beautiful soul is even better.

Part 5. The real clutter

is in my mind. It is represented by mysterious piles, mostly in the second bedroom of my apartment which is also the office. They are the KT piles. As I mentioned in my first post, my wife, Katie, died in February of this year. We were together nearly every day for 18 years. Her path through life was rough. In the end the pain was physical but it had reached that point because of the many pains and torments she had suffered in life. When the end came it was a blessing to know she had escaped her pain. I held her as she passed.

Some blunt reality follows. Clutter sometimes has substance.

The pains, abandonment and torments she suffered still make me angry. Many came from those she trusted and relied upon. Sometimes she was blamed for the horrible actions of others even though she was the victim. And her very strengths became her downfall. Her amazing, nearly photographic memory held on to all these horrible things with crystal clear images that gradually warped to become even worse in her mind. She knew she needed help, but the counseling she had when a youth was a significant part of her past pain. They did a crap job. To her, counseling was like going back to a source of trauma. I became the one main constant thing in her life. I was stable and reliable and constant and loving, but I could not solve…

I have gone through some of the clutter. There is some good, some fun, some insight into the marvelous mind she had. I hope to share some of that later. There’s also a lot of pain in there. Some of it I don’t think she would have actually shown me. Journals, writings, old boyfriends, it’s all there. Admittedly, she was quite open about her past so I was aware of most of it. But to actually see the notes and images is a different level of understanding. I even found a goodbye/thank you suicide note addressed to me from several years ago. I am not anxious to continue through the physical clutter.

My clutter? Yes, it’s in my mind. The void left by a missing KT is huge. But - one of my strengths (and perhaps a weakness as well) is my ability to just move forward. I don’t tend to focus a lot on what has already happened. If I did focus on the past, the nasty things KT would occasionaly let loose with would have driven me away long ago. I knew their origin and while it hurt I knew it wasn’t really me. What I do focus on is the multitude of futures that might occur. I plan for them . . . I try to plan for all of them . . . I like to have some control. BUT the variables are huge when the main constant of 18 years is gone. They are little pieces of clutter floating around in my emotions and logic and I can’t really seem to get a hold of them. Letting go and trusting in the journey are now my goal. BREATHE. Interestingly, two friends that don’t know each other have both mentioned the need to let things happen organically. Okay. I’ll try.

Action helps organize the clutter. I don’t think I will ever call myself an expert in emotions. I have always been a “get over it” kind of guy, but in a twist of fate, I had the priviledge of attending a mental health conference in April. I then shared what I learned with the rest of our staff in a short Professional Development session. The response from my peers was positive and led to two more sessions and some changes to the way we approach our students’ mental health. A lot of it is just learning words for emotions, how to express them and taking the time to understand where they came from, but it is powerful. It is good to see the subtle change in school and my fellow teachers. I hope that maybe, somehow, these changes might help a young student in a way that KT really needed when she was a child.

I am still enjoying the journey. The world is a marvelous place. Don’t run away.