Tears will flow
yet "I feel lucky..."
There have been cats, this summer. Cats in England, Cats in Olympia, Cats in Aptos. Katie liked cats. Cats generally like me. The two cats behind me went there of their own volition. Honestly! The one below? That’s as close as I got.
Saw MS for the first time in at least 20 years, maybe 30. She lost her parents last year not too long after I lost my mom. She is a strong, witty, intelligent, powerful woman. Powerful and independent. Does not suffer fools. I respect her tremendously. Especially how she just keeps going and maintains her curiosity about life. Over 70, I believe. She was checking SF maps to see where we were and how everything in town relates. She’s studying facts about countries. She’s learning how to use a hand crank coffee grinder just because. She’s taking pictures of succulents and talking to people about what they’re doing.
I have never known much about her personal life. Talking with her is about current things. Politics. How things work. Practical day to day. I do not know if she ever had a romance, a lover, a special friend. I do not think she was ever married. I envy that independent mindedness - to a degree. But it’s not what I want.
Saw W and MG at a family reunion for the first time since the death of their son. He was my 1st cousin once removed… I think. I saw him more when he was much younger but I did see him for the first time in a long time last summer. I’m glad I got to talk to him a little. It was good to hug W and M. The loss of loved ones is not a fun thing to share but it is an important thing to share. There is a weird understanding of things… the emotional trauma he was going through somewhat matched that of Katie. The having to go through things - to go through his stuff as a parent has to be exceptionally difficult.
On my recent travels I have decided I need to go through the rest of Katie’s stuff. It hasn’t been in the way so I’ve just left it. But I know I need to move on. Let her move on. The tears have already been flowing for me. I found some nasty letters people had sent Katie after she burned her bridge with them. I found rough drafts of love letters to me. I found photos of her in grade school and high school and with friends that I still know. Some I reconnected with after she died (she had burned the bridge). She was so cute, yet powerful and full of life… her spirit nearly bounds out of the photos. Good to see when my recent memories of her are so placid and full of pain.
Spent time in Sitka with SK, GK and H… T was late getting there due to covid. Many years ago I was their best man… and I have to say, I was not a good best man. I was just coming out of my divorce and was not feeling particularly good about the institution of marriage at the time. I did the bare minimum of my duties. Thankfully they didn’t hold it against me. So fast forward to Sitka and I’m spending their anniversary with S while T is back home getting better. People in town thought we were a couple. Entertaining, but it sure pointed out to me the degree of my own aloneness. It would have been a fun trip with Katie. A different trip, for sure… but fun. The bears and raptors she would have loved… but I can also hear her afterwards, lamenting how the bears have lost their parents and are separate from their bear lives in a way they have no control over (tying it to her own childhood). Many things remind me of the suffering she went through… and then, out of nowhere, something cheery. A fairy settlement along the creek near the Raptors. Katie, and my mom, - both - would have loved it.
I then spent a few days with T and S at their place. Relaxed and easy. They do get grumpy with each other but have worked out how to communicate through the grumpiness. It’s encouraging to see folks that can disagree but then get through it. To see that they can point out poor behavior in the other without being nasty. And then they have fun. It’s clear the end goal is to get along and be good together. They are also amazingly generous. Also good to see.
Visited Katie’s brother and his family in Seattle. I got to see more of their family dynamics this time. It was good to see a little bickering. Good to see them, but also makes me think about how Katie never fully reconnected with them. And now… here I am with inherited nieces and nephews that she never actually met. I will do my best to keep this connection alive. It’s worthwhile. Their stuff is all crammed into a small space yet somehow they all get along. All 5 of them!
Saw the great GM in Oly. Went for a walk. Hyper and cheerful as ever… but I get a deeper sense that there is sorrow underneath. It seemed more apparent this trip. He’s lost a lot of folks in his life but carries on… and loves and cares. A good fellow for sure. Sometimes when in doubt of what to do, I do think, what would GM do? He would do the kind, helpful thing… and maybe talk your ear off. I will try not to talk your ear off.
Saw MW and TD over in Hobbitland. Two very independent minded individuals that somehow found each other, love each other and have worked out a way to maintain their independence together. It’s not perfect - but they know this. They accept it for what it is and continue on… with love and acceptance. I’d like to find that with someone again. They have too much stuff though. Way too much stuff. I do not want five sheds and multiple houses full of stuff. NOOOOO.
Saw KS yesterday for a run. She was tired after a long long day but still had amazing energy. I lingered in what I felt like was an annoying way after our run but it probably didn’t bug her. I just knew I wasn’t ready to go home. So we ate some food and watched a movie. AXL Foley returns to Beverly Hills or some such thing. Bonus - another cat to play with! Sitting on the couch, just the two of us and the cat. KS nearly asleep. I had a flood of all sorts of emotions from the summer and further back… back to watching movies with Katie. I took a lot of deep breaths. Had a lot of appreciation for friendship. A lot of fear and trepidation regarding what my future might bring. Thankfully the movie had a light plot. I wouldn’t have been able to follow anything deeper. And thank goodness for a quality KS hug when I left. Phew… When I got home I paused for a moment at my door. It’s empty inside. Alone.
When I go, I don’t want to leave a mess for anyone. Not too much stuff. I hope to keep it simple. My sentimentality is handled largely with writing. I don’t need to hold on to memorabilia or chatzkis. They can all go. I need to get my act together though. I don’t have emergency things in place, really, should something happen. Normally this is where my mother, or father, or Katie would pester me into getting my act together. I’ve got to pester myself now.
To close… the rough draft of the love letter I found from Katie was from 2005 and 1.5 pages long. The last line?
“I feel lucky…”
We were lucky. I am lucky. I know it even in the lonely dark times.