This seems familiar

Have I been here before?

I am currently roasting some vegetables for soup.  The smell is making me hungry. The smell makes me comfortable… the smell also makes me feel like something is missing.

Sip sip. 

Story time. Not a story typically shared. The type of story folks tend to hide. We hid it. 

The other day I was driving down the highway at night. I am driving Katie’s old car - the Silver Shadow. There was something about the night that reminded me of one of the scariest nights of my life. Years and years ago Katie got into the Silver Shadow at a Halloween party after having way too much to drink. She drove off before anyone realized what was happening. She just stepped out for a smoke and didn’t come back. I had driven separately to the party and the moment I realized she was gone I took after her. The whole way home I was scanning the side of the road. Looking for cars in ditches. Watching for accidents. Afraid she might hit someone. Afraid she would crash. Afraid. She wasn’t replying to her phone - texts or calls. She was just gone. I imagined horrible, bloody scenarios. Panic.

I got home and the apartment was empty. I called our friends up the valley. She had not returned to the party. She was gone. My mind continued to race. and race. Still no reply to her phone.

H o u r s. 

At about 1 am the police call. They had picked her up driving the wrong way on a one way road next to the police station. We don’t live near the police station. Her blood alcohol content was nearly .2. The police were surprised she could even stay awake. I asked if I could pick her up. They asked if I’d had anything to drink. I said hours ago. They told me I should wait until morning. 

I worried the night away. 

When I picked her up she was still in her Halloween outfit. She acted like it was not her fault. Like she hadn’t done anything. Said the officer was clearly lying about where they picked her up. Said she didn’t know how she ended up near the police station. Said that she just found the keys in her hand when she had gone outside for a smoke and thought, “well, I should just go”.  And so she did.  She said she rolled the windows down and just drove as fast as she could down the dark highway…

Thank everything and everyone and everyBEING that no one died that night. 

worry worry.

One key element to this story, I think, was that she didn’t reply. There was no response. The impact that had on me, a natural worrier, turned out to be significant. 

Another key element to the story is that we hid it. She didn’t want me to tell anyone so I didn’t. My main regret is the pattern of not telling people what was going on. I bottled it all. The fear. The scary images in my head. The dread. They all lived within me that night and occasionally after and I never shared them. They had nowhere to go. I never talked to anyone about the missing replies or how that felt. I never talked to people about other times… like having to carry her to bed when she passed out from drinking too much or how, when she did pass out, I would check to make sure she was still alive…  or how the police came over several times for various incidents. Never. I just bottled it all in.  I never talked to anyone about how, when she wouldn’t reply to me during the work day, I would ride my bike home - afraid the whole way of what I might find when I got home. Afraid to open the door to the apartment. And yet I continued and sometimes I am amazed that I did. I don’t regret that I continued… I only regret that I did not find some better way to get it out… release it.  I probably could have but I think I was afraid they would tell me to leave her. I knew I wasn’t doing that. 

But - bottling it all in? We should not do that to ourselves. It is not healthy.

So the result for me….

For a while now I’ve been aware that I get really anxious and worried when I reach out to folks I care about and they don’t reply within a “reasonable” amount of time. It just builds and builds. It can become quite an obsession in my mind. I don’t like it. The feeling goes against my basic life concept of independence, free will and lack of obligation to others. Whatever I receive, I want it to be freely given - not a response to a demand.  

As I start thinking about finding a new life partner I have been concerned that I won’t be able to let them do their own thing. That I won’t give them the space required to let them miss me or let me miss them. That I will be so worried about them all the time I will either be miserable or they will grow irritated with me for my insistence on constant updates… If I think about it I know I don’t want constant updates. I know they shouldn’t have to give them to me.  But sometimes our emotions don’t care about what we think. 

And until this week I didn’t really understand where my anxiety was coming from. But my understanding started with the memory of the Halloween Party night. It continued when I was thinking about the value of missing those we love. Of being missed.

If we give each other space, and time… there is room for personal growth. Room for other experiences. Room to develop stories that we can then come back to share. In the case of someone we love - it can give them space to do things and maybe realize that they miss us and are eager to return. I want those I love to want to see me, talk to me, visit me. I don’t want them to only appear when I make a demand. Their free will is important.

Everything should be an invitation - to be accepted or declined. Open.

And if I date a woman and she meets another person and discovers that they are a better fit. That they get along better - I want her to go… and maybe we would remain friends. If we had made a commitment to each other it would just slow the process. I would hope we would still be honest and open and want the best for each other. There is a practical side too, I know.. Finances and such. Yeah. That could be pain.  

Now… right now you’re probably thinking - yeah - and you’d just take off too! Geez Andy! Always looking for greener grass! I can’t believe you. Funny… yeah. No, I’m not likely to go anywhere. I enjoy being committed. I’m not at all likely to change my mind. And certainly not for my own “benefit”.  

With Katie there were times when I wondered if she would be better off without me. Maybe I was part of her trauma. Part of bringing her down and part of what she had to drown out. Thankfully I decided it was not me. I knew there was a much bigger past that was dragging her down. In the end she even thanked me for staying. But evenso, I do still wonder. Did I strong arm her into our relationship somehow? Did I prevent her from chasing her dreams? I wish I had been better at helping her chase her dreams… somehow. 

I do want the best for those I love. I hope you do too. 

Am I a worrier?  Yes.  Check out this

poem I wrote in 2010

Be careful reading it… it might make you anxious.

---

fetid lies a wonder of orange cascading froth down
below my eyes
thankfully... that I am not a drowning

skunk, respite that I might take along the sea
where smells and odors might overpower me

never before I have been so distracted, fantod
like a mule standing on a cow grate
what is wrong, don't know
I only know my feet want to move
my mind doesn't... my mind wants to move
my feet don't

there is a great expanse below me
between a polarizing water flow
channels
bits

if there are eyes there
they stare back

the odor lifts